I was in Italy in July when I got the call that my 20-year-old son Tyler had died in Muskoka, in a drink-and-drive accident. Two of his friends, Cory and Kourosh, were also killed.

 

The call left me numb. I wept more in the next 36 hours than I have in the past 15 years. Tyler and I were very close. We had not spoken in a few days, but we had texted each other and Tyler had told me how much he loved me. I had been meaning to call him the day he died, but for some reason did not.

 

The bond between Tyler and me transcended a normal father-son relationship. He was a source of strength for me through the difficult times in my life and my love for him was clearly evident to anyone who knew me.

 

The amount of time and love we shared was multiplied by Tyler’s participation in minor sports and my decision to encourage him through coaching. Overall I coached him on one baseball team, three roller hockey teams, and six hockey teams. We won many tournaments and also shared many defeats. 

 

We lived in rural Caledon and would travel an average of one half hour each way for practices and up to two hours for regular season hockey games. We played and practiced four to six times a week. It was during these long drives and time spent together in the dressing room that we really bonded.

 

So when I was notified of Tyler’s passing, I was absolutely devastated.

 

When I got the call, my ex-wife Sandra was also in Italy with her boyfriend

Nick and our daughter Chanel, along with our other daughter Shaya who had just arrived at a summer school. The phone calls to those two girls that morning were the two most difficult I have ever made in my life. I also called Tyler’s older brother Randy back in Canada, who wept uncontrollably.

 

Those of us in Italy met the next day at the Rome airport and flew home together. When we arrived home, Sandra took the girls back to her house, while my brother Brennan met me and my girlfriend Mojdeh at the airport and, along with Randy and his girlfriend Laine, drove up to Muskoka to see Tyler’s body. We also wanted to view the scene of the accident and retrace the fateful journey which led up to it. 

 

I have to admit that the route was extremely beautiful. The sun would have been in Tyler’s eyes and the road leading up to the final straightaway with the big curve at the end of it was extremely windy. There would have been really no chance to speed until hitting that straightaway and with sun in your eyes, too much speed, loud music, alcohol and good friends all leading to a state of euphoria, it is possible to see how someone who was not familiar with the road could have made the horrible mistake Tyler made.

 

There is no question that if Tyler was not speeding and drinking, the accident would not have occurred.

 

Over the next week we planned the funeral. This was an extremely emotional time as parents and siblings were all in very weak and raw emotional states. Tyler’s many friends gathered daily at Sandra’s house and the support was massive. People flew in from California where Tyler had attended University of San Diego and well wishers came from our and Tyler’s past in droves. The funeral was beautiful, a befitting end to a boy who had really enjoyed a beautiful but short life.

 

If I could go back in time and change just one thing, it would be this: I would not have bought him the Audi S4 that I did. When he took me to the Audi dealership, we argued for several hours over the vehicle he had chosen. I thought the vehicle was too expensive – and too fast – for where Tyler was at this stage in his life.

 

Tyler was not the type of boy to ask for much. He was never a big spender and often turned down expensive clothes that I offered to buy him and told me not to waste my money on these things. He was a privileged boy, but understood the value of a dollar and how hard it was to make money.

 

He had worked for me for the past year and had his own savings, and was about to become a managing partner in a car wash business earning his own money.

 

I was surprised how much Tyler pushed me to buy this vehicle as he had never really pushed me this hard for anything before. He even agreed to pay the lease payments for the car.

 

At the time, I really didn’t realize how much he wanted a fast car and this should have been a sign that something was wrong. I had recently spoken to Tyler about how stupid it was for people to race on the streets, but unfortunately was unaware of his own love of driving fast or his speeding tickets as he lived on his own.

 

I felt that Tyler, like many of his friends, had got a little too caught up in the fast life and I believe he knew this as well. We were going to go to California together on holidays in early August and it was my intention to try and ground Tyler a little bit more and discuss him moving out of Toronto. Unfortunately this never happened.

 

For the first month after the accident I was pretty much a mess, although

I managed to go back to work after two weeks. It was a book – Life After Death by Deepak Chopra, a gift from an employee, Marc Wagner – that really turned me around. I sensed Tyler’s spirit all the time and my belief that I will stay in contact with Tyler and see him again was very empowering to me. A month or so after the accident, I began to think logically about what could have made the difference in that accident, what would have potentially saved the lives of Tyler, Cory and Kourosh.

 

Here is how I saw it:

 

Besides Tyler’s poor choices on July 3, there were four factors that could have made a difference:

 

• Speed

• Alcohol

• Parental guidance

• Over-serving by The Lake Joseph Club

 

Here is my overview on what that difference could have been:

 

Zero tolerance for speed. If Tyler’s licence had been pulled as soon as he earned his first demerit points for speeding, the odds are extremely high that he, Cory and Kourosh would be alive. Why young drivers are given a free pass to speed a few times before losing their licence doesn’t make a lot of sense. Once young people see their friends losing their licence for one ticket, their disregard of speed limits will change immediately.

 

Zero tolerance for alcohol. This may or may not have stopped Tyler from drinking and driving that day, but it sets a standard of respect for zero alcohol and operating a motor vehicle. Once young people see their friends losing their licence even for traces of alcohol, the search for a designated driver or the option not to go out or not to drink becomes much more compelling.

 

Parental guidance. In retrospect, I would not have bought Tyler the car that I did. However Tyler had lived on his own in San Diego going to university for one year and had lived in Toronto on his own for a second year. He was a high achieving student and a solid employee who drove his first car for two years, and I was unaware of his tendency to speed and did not know about his speeding tickets. I agree with everyone that we as parents have to take responsibility for our children, but how many of our youth (ages 16-21) tell us the truth when it comes to speeding, drinking, drugs, sex, studies or their feelings? This is a difficult age, always has been and always will be. We need stricter governance to help our youth get through these exciting yet often challenging years.

 

Over-serving by The Lake Joseph Club. If the keys had been taken away, the boys would likely be alive. However how many persons of all ages are permitted to walk out of restaurants, bars or clubs having had too much to drink? Should it be made mandatory for keys to be handed in when someone walks into an establishment serving alcohol? Should breathalyzer tests be performed on the way out? Is this realistic? There is no question that serving laws need to be tightened but this is difficult to police.

 

It is obvious that zero tolerance for speeding and drinking by youth up to the age of 21 is any easy step and will save many lives and prevent much heartache and suffering!

 

On August 6, I started an online petition for the laws to be changed, and a month later I placed a full page ad in The Toronto Star in this regard.

 

The response to this has been overwhelming with more than 6,000 signatures on the Young Driver Law Change Petition. The greatest support has come from parents and grandparents who have young adult children in their families.

 

I have received many comments from persons who have lost children in the same way as I did. It is unbelievable how many young persons in the age group of 16-21 are killed or injured while speeding or drinking and driving, or both combined. I recently spoke with an Ottawa resident, John May, who actually lived on the same street that I lived on when I was growing up. John is several years older than me so we didn’t know each other. His 17 year old son was killed in a crash while speeding though he was not drinking. John and I discussed how he had always wanted to do something like I was doing to change the laws. Our campaign gave him that opportunity as he was able to run a Thanksgiving ad I placed in three major Ottawa newspapers for no cost. Much support has come out of the Ottawa area due to John’s efforts.

 

Shortly after sending a letter to Ontario Premier Dalton McGuinty and not receiving any response (as I assume he receives many various requests), David Thompson, a man who was in Muskoka at the time of the accident, and who didn’t know Tyler or our family but felt they were kindred spirits, contacted Opposition leader John Tory, who called me and offered his support which included his own letter to the premier. This led to a personal meeting with Premier McGuinty who pledged his support to making the roads safer. I truly believe that Mr. Tory and Mr. McGuinty are two politicians that joined politics for the right reasons.

 

Frank Klees, Transportation Critic for the Ontario Conservative Party and MPP for Newmarket Aurora, recently put forth the petition in the legislature and we have hopes that the requests to better govern our young and new drivers will come to fruition.

 

I can honestly say that I did not start this campaign as a way to grieve, but only to save lives of future youth and just as importantly reduce the massive pain and suffering of the families who have to endure these tragedies. However, I do feel that being involved in this has helped me and our family grieve. The continuing open and honest discussion of this has benefitted all of us in many ways.

 

Although tears will continue to be shed from now until our own passing, I feel that the sadness is also a sign of our love of Tyler and how close we were to him. The more tears, the more memories, the greater the love.

 

This may or may not seem a little strange, but I have been having conversations with Tyler since his death. He has told me that he loves me and he is so sorry for any pain and suffering he has caused to anyone due to this tragic accident.

 

I would like to end this message with Tyler’s Wish, a wish that came to me from Tyler shortly after the accident:

 

My Wish

I wish I were still alive. I wish Cory and Kou were too.

I wish I could stop the pain and suffering of those I have hurt.

I wish I did not get in that car. I wish a different decision had been made.

I wish I could hug my mother, and tell her I love her.

I wish I could hang with my brother and grow old together.

I wish I could tease my sisters, and be there for them.

I wish I could play golf with my dad, ping pong too.

I wish I could chill with my friends and listen to some tunes.

I wish I could have a family and raise my kids to be better than me.

I wish I could have it all back. But I can’t.

I hope the following wishes will come true.

I wish you will remember all the happy times we shared together, and smile.

I wish to be forgiven. For you to go back to the way you were before the accident.

I wish you will take the suffering and pain and turn it into Peace, Hope and Love

I wish that through your suffering, you will grow and become stronger.

I wish you will learn from my mistakes.

I wish for Peace.

I wish for Hope.

Most importantly, I wish for Love.

 

– Tyler Mulcahy

April 25, 1988 - July 3, 2008

•  To find out more about Tyler Mulcahy, the accident and The Young Driver Law Change Petition, log on to www.tylermulcahy.com.