The monthly traffic to internet dating sites now ranks in the millions

When David Seigel first checked out internet dating sites looking for a compatible female friend, this dating option had what he calls a “massive stigma” attached to it. 

It was commonly scoffed at as a desperate measure for the desperate. That was almost a decade ago. Today, single again, Seigel is once again checking out internet dating and finds it a radically different scenario. There is huge choice, both in site options and potential ‘dates’.

“Now the stigma is gone,” says Seigel. “A lot of ‘normal’ people are on these sites. They do it for kicks mostly, but I can’t even count how many ladies have put up profiles saying ‘my friend met her boyfriend/husband on here, so I thought I’d give it a try’.” 

At 31, Seigel, a Vaughan advertising agency executive, is not interested in the bar scene and most of his friends are married. Going online to search for a compatible companion seemed the perfect option for him. 

“I am very busy with work, my dog, sports, etc… so online dating just makes all the sense in the world. It’s like a catalogue. You can see pictures, you can learn somebody’s likes and dislikes… it’s almost like going on a first date before you even meet someone.” 

“This is just a no-pressure way to meet new people,” says Seigel. “On a lazy evening when there’s nothing better to do, you can go online, visit these sites, and before you know it, you’re chatting with five new people you never would have even come across otherwise. And if you connect enough with one, you’ve got plans next weekend.” \

Many years ago, Seigel tried JDate (www.jdate.com, a site for Jewish singles through which he met his former partner) but now recommends the site Plenty of Fish (www.plentyoffish.com), which he says “is the big winner for me. It’s extremely casual, very easy to use and has thousands of members in the GTA alone. It seems that a lot of people on this site are looking to meet people and just see what happens.”

The monthly traffic to internet dating sites ranks in the millions, and across North America, singles looking for the perfect relationship or a casual date flock to such mainstream dating sites as Match, Yahoo! Personals, eHarmony, Friendster, American Singles, OKCupid, True and others. The proliferation of websites span the gamut from the chat rooms of social networking sites to sites that are exclusive to race, religion, sexual orientation and a myriad of interests. There is no doubt that online dating is a huge phenomenon that is fast replacing traditional matchmaking methods as the first choice for those looking for love or a casual relationship.

In a 2002 article for American magazine Wired, writer Rufus Griscom saw the trend coming:  “Twenty years from now, the idea that someone looking for love won’t look for it online will be silly, akin to skipping the card catalog to instead wander the stacks because ‘the right books are found only by accident.’ How likely is it that the book of your dreams will just fall off the shelf and into your arms? Dating and mating will never be the same,” he wrote.

In the downside to internet dating there is the omnipresent fear of unsavory hookups. Though most of the prominent dating websites have measures in place to bulwark or weed out internet predators, this danger will continue to lurk in cyberspace and find new ways to circumvent blocks. 

In a parody of online dating, a YouTube video plays out the dangers of unmoderated matchmaking over the internet. The video shows a man and woman sitting at separate tables in a restaurant meeting up with ‘dates’ picked from highly-exaggerated profiles on internet dating sites. From aging paramours to psychopathic cross-dressers the characters that showed up at the dates were nowhere close to their posted profiles. Point made: ultimately you are on a blind date.

“One of the big problems I’ve heard of is people lying in their profiles,” says Seigel, “from an inaccurate or misleading picture to flat out lying about themselves. Seems pointless to lie, as you’ll get caught anyway, but some people feel it’s worth it to get someone to the table and try to win them over once they’re face to face.”

Seigel’s views are echoed by online dating subscriber Tasha Montes, a former Montrealer who now lives in Brooklyn, New York.

“You can never really be sure just how sincere or insincere a person truly is, but then I don't think you can tell that face to face at times either,” she says.

Montes found love and a husband on social networking site www.Hi5.com. Her story is a modern day internet romance come true.

“The best way to describe the final outcome of my experience is that it was nothing short of amazing! Not only did I meet a wonderful person, but he soon thereafter became my husband and now we are expecting our second child together. If things had not worked out the way they did, I truly believe I would do this (online dating) again.”

Now a staunch recommender of this form of meeting people, Montes says: “It was a positive experience overall. I highly recommend trying internet dating to anyone with an open mind looking for a new approach over the everyday, very boring and sometimes frustrating ‘let's meet someone special' scene.”

“I can only say that at the end of the day you must trust that little voice inside your head but never be too afraid to open a new door and walk right on in, you may just be pleasantly surprised. And live happily ever after.”

The stories of ‘happily-ever-after’ endings to internet dating are legion and proudly touted by every major matchmaking website in Cyberland. But the not-so-happy experiences happen and to avoid trouble for their subscribers, some dating and networking websites offer important tips on the do’s and don’ts of internet dating. The hugely popular www.match.com cautions against using personal email addresses and revealing one’s true identity and personal information until one is comfortable with the relationship. Another important tip: block and immediately report offensive or threatening behaviour.

Niche sites to the fore. The market for internet dating has been dividing rapidly into niche markets that cater to specific races, religions, sexual orientation and interests. According to internet dating expert Mark Brooks of onlinepersonalswatch.com there are unmistakable signs that niche sites are grabbing market share away from the mainstream dating sites.

In an article in TechCrunch, Brooks wrote: “It’s apparent that a growing proportion of users is looking for more focused experiences with those who share particular interests and desires; this despite the fact that users can find more fish in the proverbial sea at mainstream sites.”

According to Hitwise, a company that monitors online activity, top niche sites based on religion are JDate (for Jewish singles), ChristianMingle, ChristianCafe, ManHunt (for gay men) and Adam4Adam (also for gay men). Popular sites based on race are Black Christian People Meet, Amigos (for Latino singles), Asian People Meet, Love From India and Shaadi (for Indian singles).

For Muslims, chatting online with suitors chosen by their parents is proving to be an acceptable way to get to know their future spouses. Arranged matches are common in Muslim marriages and since dating or pre-marital relationships between singles is frowned upon, online ‘dating’ has become very popular with a generation that has been raised on the internet.

Canadian Muslim playwright Zohra Zoberi writes of arranged marriages in her plays Questionably Ever After and Window Shopping for Lasting Love. 

In one scene in the latter play, Zoberi has a young girl of marriageable age protesting to her mother that she should not be expected to marry someone she has not seen. The mother replies: “You can talk to him on the internet and before you get married you will know each other quite well.” 

“It is nowadays quite common for Muslim boys and girls to first connect through the internet,” says Zoberi, who is in an arranged marriage herself.  “The rules have altered quite a bit. Nowadays there is an exchange of photographs, and communication about their likes and dislikes before they finalize their decision.” 

Best profile forward. If pictures and profiles must speak a thousand words for you, it’s worth putting your best image forward.  

“Pictures need to look good and have variety (one dressed up, one more casual, maybe an activity shot),” says David Seigel. 

“Profiles need to be short and snappy. Nobody wants to read an essay. People, especially online, don’t have a large attention span. So you really need to make a great impression with pictures and a few lines of text. You just need to be natural and true to yourself.”